what to say to someone who stands you up

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If you encounter someone being harassed, bullied, or discriminated confronting, yous may know information technology'due south wrong, but be unsure how you lot can intervene and support the victim. Continuing up for someone else can feel scary, and many people are reluctant to step in, but know that ane vocalisation can make a difference. You can intervene in a situation past speaking to the victim and diffusing the confrontation, and supporting the victim after the incident. You lot tin can also have measures to prevent bullying and harassment in your own school or community.

1. i

   Terminate unkind conversations. Put an end to all conversations that put down or gossip about someone else. You don't have to be friends with the person being trash-talked, but it'southward of import to tell the trash-talker non to speak badly of other people, even if y'all don't particularly like the talked-about person either.

   • You lot can defend the person beingness trash-talked. For example, if someone says, "I detest Maddie! She's so ugly," your response tin can be, "That's mean. Don't talk about people like that. I retrieve Maddie is pretty."
   • Tell the speaker to stop talking about other people this fashion. Yous could say, "I don't retrieve it's correct to exist making fun of him like this. Please terminate." If they continue, walk abroad from the conversation.^[1]
   • Something else may exist happening in the bully'southward life that is causing them to neat others. Sometimes people may deed out because they are suffering stress or experiencing other issues at home. They may also have been bullied themselves, or they may have been a victim of abuse. These people may be in need of boosted support, such as mental wellness counseling, to address these issues. Endeavor your best to gently inquire about these possibilities. Offer supportive guidance to encourage them to seek assist from a qualified professional person.

2. 2

   Be an anti-bullying advocate. Teach others how to stand up to bullies and to stand up upward for what's right. Find anti-bullying or anti-bigotry resources appropriate for your audition, educate yourself, and share what yous've learned.

   • Find resources that support a cause you believe in and is valuable to your audience. For example, you may wish to learn about bullying to raise sensation to your loftier school, or you lot may wish to learn about hate crimes against a minority population to help enhance awareness in your community. People will be more receptive to your campaign if it is something they can connect with.
   • Help your local customs, workplace, or schools with establishing a reporting organisation to brand information technology easier for victims to seek help. Communities, workplaces, and schools can use these procedures to help identify easy and practical ways for victims to report bullying or harassment. They are also able to use these reports to track bullying and harassment trends over fourth dimension so that they can develop improve prevention procedures.
   • If yous are in school, you could kickoff an anti-bullying group, or talk to your schoolhouse's leadership almost things that could be done to assistance prevent bullying at your school.^[ii]

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3. iii

   Take action confronting cyberbullying. If yous're online and run across other people talking badly about someone or sending harassing messages to them, report their account. Well-nigh social media websites have an pick to report people for abusive behavior, and cyberbullying is considered calumniating behavior by almost every website's Terms of Service.

   • Remind people to think before they mail. In one case you mail something, it is out of your hands and on the net forever. If your friend wants to post something hateful well-nigh a classmate, you could say, "Do you really desire to post that? It could go back to him really easily, and it will brand you lot look bad."^[3]
   • Treat other people on the internet the same verbal way y'all would treat them in existent life. If yous don't take something overnice to say, don't say it at all, or share your differing opinion respectfully.
   • Avoid using websites that let you to be anonymous. People sometimes accept reward of anonymity features on a website to harass people.
   • If you're a kid or teenager, let your parents access to your passwords and social media accounts. They can help you if you encounter any bug online.^[4]

4. 4

   Talk to people who are different from y'all. Brand an effort to learn more most people of unlike races, cultures, religions, or sexual orientations than yours. The more you learn most someone's life, the more likely you are to have empathy toward them and their situation. Promote a culture of empathy amongst people in your life. Knowing more virtually another person's story tin help prevent bullying and help others speak out against it.^[five]

   • Yous could make friends with classmates or coworkers who have different backgrounds. Once you get to know them better, y'all may discover that you lot share a lot of the same things in mutual.
   • Volunteer for a cause that supports people who have unlike circumstances than yous do. You could volunteer at a homeless shelter, ready an flat for a refugee family, or work with your faith community to gear up a fellowship with a different organized religion group.
   • Read books nigh people or written by people who are of a dissimilar background than yours.

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1. 1

   Be believing. Don't wait for a bullying victim to speak upwardly and ask for your help. They may feel too threatened to be able to say anything. Try to take command of the situation and speak up for the other person first -- they may be relieved that they don't accept to.^[6]

   • Empathize that victims in a confrontational situation may be stuck in a physiological "freeze" trauma response, a common reaction to extreme stress. They may be paralyzed past fearfulness and unable to finer respond, making it important for a bystander to arbitrate.^[7]
   • If you lot feel like speaking up can exist hard, you lot're not solitary. Information technology can be hard for many people. But often, when ane person speaks up, more people will start to intervene as well.^[eight]
   • Exist enlightened that you can help de-escalate some situations because of a existent or perceived human relationship with the bully. If you share race, gender, or culture with the nifty, the slap-up may be more than willing to listen to y'all because they may feel they have something in common with you. If you know the bully, you may besides be more likely to be able to successfully intervene because of your ability to hold them answerable.

2. 2

   Interrupt the harassment. When you see the peachy harassing the victim, interrupt the bully by ignoring them and heading straight to the victim. Fully assess the situation for safety before you intervene.^[ix] If you feel it is safe, you tin can physically get in between the victim and the bully to talk to the victim. Do your best to remove the victim from the bully equally chop-chop as possible. Otherwise, get as shut to the victim as you can. Starting a conversation with the victim gives them the power to decide if they want you to intervene or not.^[x]

   • As you lot assess the situation, wait for any possible weapons. Determine if the perpetrator is making concrete threats, if the victim is injured, or if this is a possible sexual harassment or abuse. If whatever of these are happening, immediately get local police and emergency medical services involved.
   • You tin can do this if you know the person or not. The victim will likely exist willing to play along in club to finish the harassment. You could say, "Hey, I've been looking everywhere for you lot!" or "Oh my gosh, how are you? I oasis't seen you in ages!"

3. three

   Apply circumspection in addressing the neat. In many cases, direct confronting the bully may not be the best thought, especially if you are concerned that they may physically assail y'all. You could as well finish up becoming the slap-up's side by side target. Withal, while maintaining a safe distance, it is wise to attempt directly middle contact with the bully. Be firm in your actions. Yous tin can exercise this without speaking to the bully.^[eleven] This will help yous gain control over the state of affairs as you cautiously approach the victim. Using this approach will also allow yous to accept a detailed description of the keen if you need to study the incident to law authorities later. ^[12]

   • Notwithstanding, if you experience confident that the state of affairs will non escalate and that you volition non become a target, you lot could address the bully if you experience comfortable. Bullies oft care about beingness pop and powerful, and calling them out might assistance take abroad their power.^[13]
   • You could step in and say, "Leave him alone! Back off right now!" Exist firm, loud, and stand your ground. You may not feel dauntless, only you tin can pretend to be.^[xiv]

4. 4

   Seek back up when intervening. Find someone in a position of authority who tin can help you bargain with the problem. This may exist a supervisor, law enforcement, or someone who has more than power than you do who is better able to solve the problem.^[xv]

   • Telephone call emergency services immediately if you feel the situation is dangerous.
   • Tell an developed. If you lot are a child or teenager, discover an adult y'all trust to assistance yous deal with somebody else being bullied or mistreated. Adults can often use their ability to deal with the consequence without a bully ever finding out what happened.^[sixteen]
   • If yous cannot find a person in a position of ability to help y'all, assemble other witnesses to help you stride in and stop the bullying. In that location is strength in numbers.

5. 5

   Alarm others to ongoing bullying or harassment. If yous see bullying, harassment, or discrimination, speak out. Tell someone and raise awareness, even if information technology didn't bear upon you or you weren't near the event when it happened. Not saying annihilation will go far worse for everyone.^[17]

   • Tell someone in a position of authority where you are seeing the harassment or bullying occur. For example, if you lot are a pupil in a school, yous could permit your teacher know that a kid is frequently being bullied in an area of the school where at that place is non much staff supervision. If you are witnessing harassment in the breakroom at work, you could let your supervisor or HR representative know so that another witness could be in that location.
   • If you are as well nervous about speaking upwards in person, you could do it anonymously. Some companies accept ways to anonymously study employee wrongdoing ("whistleblowing"), schools may have ways you tin study trouble anonymously, and many communities have tip lines where y'all tin anonymously contact law enforcement to study trouble.
   • If you feel similar speaking upwardly can be hard, you're not alone. It tin be hard for many people. But oft, when 1 person speaks up, more than and more people commencement coming forward. Sometimes it takes just one person to phone call out injustice, and then more than people experience brave about coming forward themselves.^[eighteen]

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1. 1

   Help the victim stand upward to the bully. Sometimes, a victim of bullying may desire to stand up upward to the bang-up, but doesn't know how to or is agape to practice it on their ain. Offering them your support, and ask if they want you to help them stand to the groovy.

   • Enquire them how yous can assist them stand up to their harasser.^[nineteen] You could say, "Would yous like to meet me subsequently class so we can confront her together before luncheon?" or "I can come talk to the supervisor with you if you want. I volition support yous and be a witness."
   • Don't be surprised if they plow y'all down. Some people don't like to have another person's help to stop bullying. If they tell you no, you could say, "Okay, but if you change your mind, I'll help you" and stick to it!^[20]

2. 2

   Listen to the victim. If the victim comes to you seeking support, believe them and heed to them tell their story. Find out how you tin can help if they demand it.

   • It's important to believe the victim even if you did non witness the outcome. Remain nonjudgmental and supportive every bit they speak. Casting doubt on their story may brand them feel fifty-fifty more than victimized and shut down.
   • Listen with empathy every bit they share their story.^[21] You could say, "What happened to you sounds horrible. You audio really upset. What can I do to help you?"

3. iii

   Help the victim go support. The victim may be too distraught to seek out helpful resources on their own, so have the pb and offer to find some. Offer your aid in any way you tin can and feel comfy with.^[22]

   • If you see someone being harassed on the street, you could assistance them get home safely.
   • You lot could telephone call the law on behalf of the victim and stay with them while they file a police study. Give the victim and the police your contact data and then you tin be a witness for any legal proceedings.
   • You could become help the victim go connected with any legal back up or anti-bullying resources they may require.

4. 4

   Let the victim be upset. It's possible that the victim may take their feelings out on you after the incident. Don't take it personally. The victim may feel you are a "rubber" person to express their anger to.^[23]

   • The victim might say something like, "I wish you hadn't interfered. I can take care of myself!" You could respond, "I'chiliad sad. From my perspective, the state of affairs seemed like harassment. I won't arbitrate again unless you ask me."
   • The victim may cry, limited anger, or exist in shock. Information technology's okay to sit with them and just be present -- you don't have to observe some magic words to say.

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Add together New Question

• Question

  How practise you stand up upwards for yourself without existence rude?

  

  Erin Conlon is an Executive Life Coach, the Founder of Erin Conlon Coaching, and the host of the podcast "This is Not Advice." She specializes in aiding leaders and executives to thrive in their career and personal lives. In addition to her private coaching exercise, she teaches and trains coaches and develops and revises training materials to be more diverse, equitable, and inclusive. She holds a BA in Communications and History and a JD from The University of Michigan. Erin is a Professional Certified Coach with The International Coaching Federation.

  

  Executive Life Coach

  Skilful Reply

  A simple "That's not okay" goes a long way. You don't need to explain or demand change. Y'all can tell people that their behavior isn't appropriate, and and then walk away.

• Question

  Should I stand up up for someone?

  

  Erin Conlon is an Executive Life Coach, the Founder of Erin Conlon Coaching, and the host of the podcast "This is Not Advice." She specializes in aiding leaders and executives to thrive in their career and personal lives. In add-on to her private coaching practice, she teaches and trains coaches and develops and revises training materials to be more than various, equitable, and inclusive. She holds a BA in Communications and History and a JD from The University of Michigan. Erin is a Professional Certified Coach with The International Coaching Federation.

  

  Executive Life Coach

  Expert Answer

  Well, that's a hard question to answer. The first matter you should do, though, is to become a clear understanding on why you want to stand upward for someone. Also, do they actually want you to intervene? Ask those questions before making a conclusion and acting.

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• If y'all're still having trouble with harassment or bullying, speak to a professional or therapist.

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